I have received countless “business opportunities” from West Africans wanting me to fall for their ridiculous monetary transfer scams. Sure, that’s not what they write but it’s what they want. Their terrible grammar and spelling is enough to send an eighth grader into fits of laughter and the hapless rhetoric embarrasses other con artists.
Wouldn’t these randomly received proposals be more exciting if they came from fictional characters we’re actually familiar with? Yes, yes they would. Before we get to the fun stuff, be advised that if you do receive such crazy letters from Nigeria, Burkina Faso or Indonesia (they’ve caught on) do the following: report the e-mail to government agencies http://www.fbi.gov/scams-safety/e-scams and/or http://www.us-cert.gov/nav/report_phishing.html, block the sender, and delete the letter.
Remember, these are parodies. Consider them fan fiction. I wonder how long it’ll take for these to circulate. Just link back to my blog, please. I could use the freelance work.
From the Desk of Lex Luthor
President and CEO of LexCorp,
Metropolis Mercantile Bank
Metropolis, New York (United States)
Remittance of $8,000,000
TOP SECRET
This letter may surprise you, but I am urgently seeking a business partner. I am the President and CEO of LexCorp and President of Metropolis Mercantile Bank in the United States as well as a real estate developer.
I have the remaining fortune of a deceased client whose entire family was wiped out in an earthquake, tied up in various accounts and am able to transfer a share of the remaining $8,000,000 to a foreign business partner.
Thusly, I am offering you a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 80/20 provided that your 20% be invested in my real estate properties. This offer will improve your social status from commoner to wealthy commoner.
Your payment will be made by Metropolis Mercantile Bank and then submitted to LexCorp. Paperwork will be drawn after I hear back from you.
You’ll need to reply to this urgent matter promptly or you will lose out on everything. Reply with the following information: Name, address, birth date, social security number, occupation, IQ, and your opinion of Superman.
Brilliantly Yours,
Lex Luthor
I am Jafar, Grand Vizier to the Sultan of Agrabah, whose daughter, Princess Jasmine is the heir apparent to the throne.
You, my good man or woman, are being contacted due to the present situation in Agrabah. A special panel has been set up by Whole New World Administration, spearheaded by Aladdin, a street rat who was jailed by the Sultan for stealing food. An anti-theft bill recently passed to recover all looted fruits and vegetables secretly stored by Aladdin and his cohort, Abu.
The Sultan’s men have successfully recovered 8 apples, 13 oranges, a bag of peanuts, 3 bunches of both ripe and not yet ripe bananas, and 1 coconut. Word has it that Aladdin also has a stash of jewels and gold coins hidden away in the Cave of Wonders, the value of which exceeds millions of US dollars.
I am consulting you on behalf of my client, Genie, who demands me to find a trustworthy foreign partner, who could help us immediately with collecting the treasure which Aladdin stole from the good people. All you have to do to share in these riches is enter the Cave of Wonders. The laws of Agrabah stipulate that stolen goods not returned within 60 days become property of the Sultan. As dedicated as I am to him, I cannot support his absurd spending on his tiger. Genie will take 50% of the fortune, I will take 30% and you will take 20%. In the light of above, I am soliciting your assistance and partnership to move this treasure out of Agrabah as we can make a large profit.
Contact me immediately, only, if you are able and interested in assisting us. Be sure to keep this hush-hush as we wouldn’t want to lose our heads. Trust me. You will get what’s coming to you.
Royally Annoyed,
Jafar
Lisa K. Berton 